Breaking Barriers: The Struggles and Strategies of Gay Dating

by Peter Minkoff

Dating has never been easy for anyone these days, but nothing can be compared to the struggles of gay dating. The dating pool is limited, casual relationships are preferred over long-term ones, and there’s still prejudice even though we’re gaining more visibility than ever. But, if we put all these challenges aside for a moment, we can still identify struggles and develop appropriate strategies for gay dating. Let’s address some of the struggles and shed light on potential solutions.

Identifying potential partners is a challenge

The first issue in gay dating is identifying potential partners. Even when you are quite sure that someone is gay, there’s a chance that they are not out yet. This is particularly hard in smaller environments, as smaller communities can be quite hard on people who are different. Heteronormative narratives still dominate the world, so gay people should tread these waters carefully. The solution here is to find a community so you’ll expand your circle and encounter people whose sexuality you won’t have to guess.

Mismatched expectations

Mismatched expectations are a common problem in dating, but this is prevalent in gay dating. Hookups are quite common, so finding someone who matches your expectations is equally easy and difficult. You'll easily face different expectations if you are not looking for a hookup but your date is. Mismatched expectations lead to disappointment, your confidence can take a hit, and you may lose all hope. The key here is to communicate your expectations, whether you’re just looking for something casual or a serious relationship.

Red flags everywhere

Jealousy, fear of commitment, unresolved issues, discouraging relationships with friends and family, and lack of open communication are just some of the red flags that are dominant in gay dating. Navigating such terrain can be emotionally and physically exhausting, as you don’t have to accept such behaviour from a partner.

Instead, work on your own personal growth so you’ll be attracted to those who are healthy for you, even if it means that the dating pool will be smaller. When you know which behaviours you can ignore, tolerate and label as non-negotiable, you’ll know which relationships are worth the risk and which are not worth your time.

There is no societal pressure to pair up

The lack of societal pressure to pair up isn’t a bad thing, per se. However, if you’re gay and you want a partner, but all you encounter are people who only want casual hookups, finding a match might be hard. But it is only as hard as long as you look in the wrong place. If you want to find a partner who matches your values and expectations, consider talking to a matchmaker specialising in gay dating in New York, or anywhere you want to find the love of your life. Even if some gay people are fine with the cycle of perpetual hookups, there’s still a high percentage of people who have never been that into it. Open yourself to the possibility of dating only people who align with your values, and don’t be afraid to ask for professional matchmaking help.

Emotional immaturity

Emotional immaturity is not gender specific, nor does sexual orientation define it. However, in the context of gay dating, factors such as societal expectations, discrimination, and the experience of coming out can influence individuals' emotional development. The fear of rejection and the fear of being vulnerable can all lead to gay people being avoidant, thus not looking for serious relationships.

People who lack emotional immaturity are more likely to engage in casual relationships. Communication becomes key if you encounter signs of emotional immaturity in a dating context. Learn how to communicate your needs and expectations lovingly so you’ll act with a heightened sense of emotional maturity yourself.

Dating app fatigue is real

There are pros and cons to using dating apps for gay dating. The biggest pro is the fact that they create a safer environment for gay dating, and with each new app, society changes a bit. The biggest con is the app fatigue, and it’s real. The repetitive nature of swiping and messaging can wear you down, especially if the experience is more disappointing than rewarding. The best way to avoid fatigue is to set the right expectations, limit daily usage, use different apps, focus on quality over quantity, and take breaks when needed.

In an ideal world, everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, can find love authentically and without unnecessary hardship. But, until we reach this stage, we can all do our best to stay curious and open to changing our dating struggles by breaking down barriers and creating a space where love knows no bounds.

Peter Minkoff is a lifestyle writer for The Homo Culture and Queer Voices magazine. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.