Recognizing the Signs: How to Identify and Overcome Narcissistic Abuse
by Jude Goodwin
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation perpetrated by individuals with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This type of abuse can occur in various relationships, including romantic, familial, workplace, or friendship dynamics. Understanding narcissistic abuse is crucial for recognizing its signs, validating experiences, and beginning the journey to recovery.
This article will outline the characteristics of narcissistic abuse, its impact on individuals, strategies for overcoming it, and resources for further study. Keep in mind, this is a big topic and the article here will only touch the surface. Most of my references will be to romantic partnerships but everything also applies to other relationships.
What Is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse often revolves around power and control. A person exhibiting narcissistic behaviour may use tactics such as gaslighting, manipulation, devaluation, and emotional neglect to dominate others. They may have an inflated sense of self-importance, lack empathy, and seek constant validation.
Key traits of narcissistic behavior:
Gaslighting: Denying facts or memories to make someone doubt their perception of reality.
Love Bombing: Overwhelming someone with affection and attention to gain their trust.
Devaluation: Criticizing, belittling, or withdrawing affection to undermine self-esteem.
Triangulation: Bringing a third party into conflicts to create competition or division. In family situations this can often be children.
Types of Narcissists
Not all narcissists exhibit the same behavior patterns. Understanding the different kinds can help in recognizing abuse and developing appropriate strategies for dealing with it.
Grandiose Narcissists:
These types of narcissists are what most people think of when they think of narcissists. The Grandiose Narcissist exhibits an overt sense of superiority and entitlement. Often charismatic, they crave admiration and dominate conversations.
Common behaviors include boasting about their own achievements, dismissing others’ opinions, and seeking public attention.
Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissists:
These narcissists are the most difficult to identify. I often think of them as the ‘nice narcissists.’ So much of their controlling and gaslighting is done in such a nice way it’s hard to realize there’s actual abuse in the relationship. The covert narcissist may appear shy or insecure, masking their sense of entitlement and need for validation. They are prone to passive-aggressive behaviors and may play the victim to gain sympathy.
These individuals often use subtle manipulation and guilt to control others.
Malignant Narcissists:
This type combines narcissistic traits with antisocial tendencies. They can be highly abusive and lack remorse for their actions.
Behaviours may include lying, exploiting others for personal gain, and deliberate cruelty.
Communal Narcissists:
These narcissists derive self-worth from their perceived generosity or social contributions. While appearing altruistic, their actions are often driven by a need for validation and praise.
They may manipulate others by emphasizing their “helpfulness” or moral superiority.
Signs You May Be Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse
Recognizing narcissistic abuse can be difficult because it often unfolds gradually. You’ve no doubt hear the ‘frog in water’ analogy? Just in case you haven’t, I’m going to tell it here. If you attempt to put a frog in hot water, it will of course jump out quickly. However, as the analogy goes, if you put the frog in cool water, then turn up the temperature gradually, it will eventually boil to death rather than jump out. It’s the gradual nature of the raise in temperature that fools the frog. And it fools most of us who have experienced a relationship with a narcissist. Here are some signs you can look for:
Emotional Exhaustion: You feel drained and on edge after interacting with the person.
Loss of Identity: You’ve abandoned your interests, values, or relationships to appease the abuser.
Constant Self-Doubt: You question your decisions, memories, and even your worth.
Fear of Reprisal: You’re afraid to voice opinions or set boundaries.
Walking on Eggshells: You feel the need to avoid upsetting the other person at all costs.
The Cycle of Abuse
The cycle of abuse is a pattern often employed by narcissists to maintain control over their victims and keep them engaged. As long as one is busy sorting and explaining and attempting to understand what’s going on, one is not looking for a way out. Understanding the Cycle of Abuse played a huge part in my own story, helped me recognize the abusive dynamics in my relationship and take steps toward breaking free.
Idealization (Love bombing):
Also known as "love bombing," this stage involves excessive attention, flattery, and promises to create an intense emotional bond.
The narcissist makes the victim feel special and irreplaceable, establishing dependency.
You’ve met the perfect person, the relationship is amazing, and they want to get married right now - you think, why not? This is all so wonderful - so you do and then …
Devaluation:
Once the victim is emotionally invested*, the narcissist begins to undermine their confidence. This may include criticism, neglect, or passive-aggressive behaviour.
The victim often feels confused and desperate to regain the initial affection.
In my experience, this can be a devastating time - the wonderful person is suddenly mean, cruel and even violent. How can this be? What has happened? What can be done to fix things? Read on.
* A fanfare engagement, a wedding, the birth of a child, a move away from your network can all represent a kind of emotional investment in the relationship.
Discard:
The narcissist may abruptly shut down or emotionally withdraw, leaving the victim feeling abandoned and worthless.
This stage reinforces the victim’s dependency, as they may strive to "fix" the relationship.
Hoovering:
After a period of distance, the narcissist may attempt to reconnect, using apologies or promises of change to draw the victim back into the cycle. If successful, this stage can be followed by Love Bombing - flowers and gifts - and the cycle begins again.
This keeps the victim engaged and perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
Recognizing this cycle is vital for breaking free. Each stage is carefully designed to manipulate the victim’s emotions and maintain control.
Narcissistic Abuse Can Be Particularly Harmful for 2SLGBTQiA+ Individuals
People in the queer community face additional challenges when dealing with narcissistic abuse. Social stigmas, family rejection, and limited access to affirming support networks can make it harder to recognize and escape abusive dynamics. Narcissistic individuals are able to exploit these vulnerabilities and easily isolate their victims. Here are some examples:
Weaponizing Identity: Undermining their partner's confidence by questioning their identity, such as invalidating gender expression or sexual orientation.
Isolation: Limiting their partner’s access to affirming communities or chosen family, making them dependent.
Outing Threats: Using the threat of revealing their partner’s LGBTQ+ status to family, employers, or others as leverage to maintain control.
Emotional Blackmail: Manipulating their partner by claiming that leaving the relationship would result in rejection or harm from others, emphasizing that they are the only source of acceptance.
Gaslighting LGBTQ+ Experiences: Denying or minimizing instances of homophobia, transphobia, or discrimination their partner experiences to make them feel overly sensitive or invalid.
Exploitation of Stigma: Using societal prejudice as a means to justify controlling behavior, such as framing abuse as “protection” from an unsafe world.
Mental Health: A Narcissistic partner will often blame problems in the relationship on their partner’s mental health
How to Begin the Healing Process and Grow Stronger.
If you suspect you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, taking steps to protect yourself is essential. Recovery is possible, but it requires self-awareness and support.
Acknowledge the Abuse:
Recognizing that you are being mistreated is the first step toward healing. After 15 years living with a narcissist I came across the term ‘cycle of abuse’ and immediately experienced an explosion of enlightenment. The pattern was so obvious. Read books, articles, listen to You Tubes. This will all help you recognize and identify the abuse. See our list of Resources at the bottom of this article.
Seek Professional Support:
Therapists, especially those trained in trauma and 2SLGBTQiA+ issues, can provide tools and strategies for recovery. I had a therapist for 3 years and I often think she saved my life. Therapists have not been fooled by your narcissist. On that note, do not do couples therapy! If you think you’re involved with a narcissist, find one-on-one therapy. We have a page in our Resources area that lists many queer-friendly therapists.
Build a Support Network:
Narcissistic people try to isolate their partners. The more support a person has from friends, family and community, the harder it is to control them. Be sure to reach out often to friends, chosen family, and community organizations. Connection with others will help combat isolation and before you know it, you’ll start to feel stronger!
Note - most narcissists are very good at disguising their behaviours when in public. It’s possible you’re not going to get a lot of support from your mutual friend group, all of whom likely think your partner is a fantastic person, if you try to discuss your situation. Best to save that for your therapist and most rusted besties.
Practice Self-Care:
Focus on activities that nurture your mental and physical well-being, such as mindfulness, exercise, or creative expression.
Look for activities outside the home - a daily walk, singing with a choir, volunteering with a local organization. The more time you have away from the house, the stronger you will start to feel.
Start a personal journal. Keep it private and write down your thoughts and experiences. If you’re not safe, you might want to do this on your device and protect it with a unique password. Or use an online service. Even Google docs can be pretty secure as long as you’re the only one with the password. My suggestion would be to set up a unique free gmail, and a unique password, and use this for any groups, subscriptions, or other activities online that are helping you on this journey.
Resources
Dr. Ramani - I can’t say enough about this doctor, an expert on narcissism. You may have heard her on CBC recently. Here’s a link to her DR.RAMANI YOU TUBE channel. Trigger Warning! If you’re in a relationship with a Narcissistic person, you’re going to learn a whole lot of uncomfortable truths.
Local 2SLGBTQiA+ Therapists: Many offer counseling and support. We have a good list on our Resources page here.
Books and Literature:
You can find many books about narcissistic abuse on Make Headway
I also recommend books by Dr. Ramani found on her website.
Your Journey
Narcissistic abuse can have a profound impact on mental health and self-esteem. Recognizing its signs and taking steps to address it are acts of courage and self-preservation. For queer individuals, overcoming narcissistic abuse may also mean finding supportive communities and affirming spaces that validate their identities.
Your journey away from abuse may seem arduous and oh so slow but every tiny step is worthy. Years from now you’ll be able to look back and celebrate your strength and bravery.
Recovery is not only possible but you have the opportunity to rebuild a life centered on self-respect, empowerment, and healthy relationships. By seeking support and prioritizing healing, survivors can reclaim their sense of self and well-being.
