Queer Dating in the Time of Covid
This is not our first rodeo
“Congratulations, you are now a gay man” my best friend said to me. I had been telling him about a new woman I'd met on a dating site, and then at a distance in a park, and talking over with him how to decide whether she was someone I could have in my 'bubble', and whether I was risking my life and health if I made the wrong decision about something as innocuous as a kiss.
Back during the HIV crisis, men like my besty had to decide whether his partners and hookups were telling the truth about their behaviour, and to take precautions. He came out way back when it was a new, unknown illness called GRID, Gay Related Immune Deficiency, and at first no-one knew exactly what behaviours would spread it, and the best ways to keep yourself safe. Desires to stay well were often in direct conflict with other desires. Sound familiar? This new situation under covid 19 brought up memories of the dilemmas he had then, and of all the friends and lovers he lost.
Consent - keeping everyone safe
“The majority of covid 19 transmission occurs indoors and it occurs among people you know, and it occurs with greatest frequency with people you may love.” BC Health Minister Adrian Dix
Dr. Bonnie Henry, the Chief Medical Officer of BC is very clear “Every time you meet new people you are exposing yourself to their risk.” Dr. Henry recommends getting to know a potential partner well before deciding to be intimate, and to avoid being intimate with multiple people during this time. While we may feel okay taking risks for ourselves, if we are bubbled with others in our home or friend circle, we expose those we are close to risks they have a right to make a choice about, the choice to consent to, or to withdraw their consent to be in your bubble. This can make for some uncomfortable conversations with potential partners and bubble mates about informed consent.
Conversations with potential partners
Find out from potential partners what they do to manage their covid 19 risk. One way to do this is to ask what they have changed in their life as a result of covid 19. How do they feel about the guidelines from public health? How many people do they share air space at close range with in their home? At their work? Share this information about yourself with a potential partner as well so they can also make an informed choice.
Bubble Consent
If you do decide to become intimate with someone new, or to increase your level of exposure in other ways, it then becomes your responsibility to give informed consent to other members of your bubble, so that they can make choices about their own safety. Do members of my bubble have the ability to withdraw their consent to bubble with me (such as by going back to physical distancing) if I choose to take on risks they aren't comfortable with? Are there things like taking your temperature regularly that you can do to make sure you can let people know quickly if they are at risk?
Be calm. Be kind. Be careful.
Covid 19 is going to be with us a long time, so we can't put our lives completely on hold. It is up to each of us to make decisions about the level of risk we are comfortable with, and to empower others in our lives to do the same. We've got this.
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Photo by Alex Kalligas on Unsplash