This article was first published in December 2019.

I walk into the Superstore and am bombarded by “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” screaming from somewhere above me. Of course I had forgotten it was officially the beginning of December and I instantly regretted leaving the house.

Many people love the holiday season. They eagerly count down the days, pull all of their decorations out of the crawl space, or the closest, the day after Remembrance Day. They’re giddy over the holiday foods and drinks and think about the gifts they’re going to give all year long. For others our relationship with the holidays is a little more complicated. Maybe a lot more complicated, particularly for us queers whose families are a lot less likely to accept us.

I grew up not far from the city of Vancouver, but even still it’s interesting to be part of the queer community here. To hear where everyone came from. I’ve found it rare to meet folks who were born and raised here. Many have come for the community, leaving small towns with small minds, leaving unsupportive or abusive families, leaving behind the person they once thought they were and I am sure a whole host of other reasons. I moved here to fit in.

But what happens when the holidays come around? Many of us are left contemplating whether or not to suck it up and go back to family homes where our partners won’t be accepted or our names or pronouns will not be respected. Where we may feel we have to pretend to be someone we’re not. For some this sounds like a better alternative than not having any family at all.

Some do go home despite how difficult it is, despite the harm it does to their mental health. I do not fault those who do. It took me a long time to come out to my entire family and ask them to respect my new name and pronouns and I suffered through being called by my birth name because I didn’t know how to say ‘this isn’t me anymore’.

It’s time to take back the holiday season for ourselves, and even if we can’t make it the most wonderful time of the year I hope that we can at least help one another get through it. Happy HoliGays! (for all us queers but holigays is just too cute not to use here)

So, how do we survive those family holidays (if we decide to go)?

Strategies for getting through the holiday LGBTQ+ style:

Note: if your family is actively abusive you should seriously consider whether or not spending time with them is the right choice not matter the time of the year.

1.     Self-care

○      Looking after yourself physically and mentally is incredibly important, especially during the winter months where its darker and the days are shorter. For the entire month of December, try to keep up with your self care routine. Prioritize good sleep habits, eat healthy meals as you can, and exercise. It’s also important not to isolate yourself even when that might seem appealing, plan social activities with those you care about before and after seeing your family.

○      It’s important to remember that alcohol is a depressant so even though a drink or two might feel like it will help you get through the night consider being cautious and intentional about the amount of alcohol you are going to consume.

2.     Prepare yourself for questions

○      Family is almost always going to ask questions about what you have been up to, especially if you haven’t seen them since last year and this is likely to include questions about; marriage, partnerships, job, etc. you know, the usual questions. Prepare the answers to these questions ahead of time so you can go into them with confidence and less anxiety.

3.     Know your triggers and how to deal with them

○      Be aware of your triggers going in to these events and do what you can to avoid conversations that will be triggering.

○      If you do find yourself triggered, remember to give yourself a moment. Take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling and do what you need to do to take care of yourself in that moment. Try not to react immediately.

○      Do not feel obligated to talk through it with your family members if you’re not able to. You’re unlikely to change anyone's mind when you’re triggered and likely more confrontational.

4.     Stay present

○      Anxiety lies in the past and in the future and it is easy to let our minds wonder, especially when we are worried about the things our families have said or what they might possibly say. Instead, try to stay in the moment and find something to enjoy about it.

5.     Take Breaks

○      The holidays can be overwhelming for everyone, particularly all the things that bombard our senses. So, allow yourself to take breaks, go to the bathroom or another quiet area, get some fresh air or offer to go make your favourite hot drink or cocktail for everyone to escape the noise.

For those of you who are still living at home, due to age or necessity, know you are loved. Even if your parents or other family members don’t understand, know that someone does. Find someone to talk to this holiday season who’s able to support and validate you. Bonus if you can find one person in your family who will support you (even if they don’t understand). I am lucky to have a sibling who’s also queer and even though neither of us were out while we lived at home we still always had one another’s backs and we still do.

For those of you who are already out on your own, know that you don’t have to put up with your family’s intolerance. You’re not obligated to spend time with family who is toxic or abusive just because they are family. You too are loved and we have or can create our own family here. That’s one of the things I love about the queer community the most, the ability to choose our own family. To love and support one another because we want to, not because we have to.

I challenge you to find the small things to love this holiday season. My partner loves the holidays and doesn’t appreciate it when I’m all bah humbug, so I find the small things I am grateful for. This year I am grateful for our tiny apartment sized Christmas tree that isn’t obnoxious, for holiday themed beer, for writing queer holiday content and for gay holiday parties. 

Emory is writer and LGB(T)Q+ educator who regularly discusses the intersections of queer identities & mental health. You can find him on Instagram here.

Photo by Will Malott on Unsplash

Written by Emory Oakley

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