5 Truths ... about living with a lesbian mom.
by Jude Goodwin
You’ve met the woman of your dreams. Your sex life is amazing. She’s amazing. You love her voice, her body, her laughter, the way she sips her coffee in the morning, the way she flips those steaks on the bbq, the way she holds your hand and cuddles you on the couch. You’ve been dating a while (hopefully more than a year) so the two of you want to move in together.
Congratulations! Now the million dollar question—does she have kids?
Answer 1: Yes, but they’re grown.
This is your best scenario—especially if you like kids. You’ll have grandkids to look forward to!
Answer 2: Yes and they live at home. But I love kids and the kids like me.
Living with someone else’s kids is a challenge no matter what their ages and whether or not you like kids or the kids like their mom’s lesbian girlfriend. You’ll do best if you are armed with some truths. This will help you to have realistic expectations and perhaps some tools as well.
1. Your diet will change.
It’s your first month living with your new family, and you’re eager to pitch in and help with dinners. You do a big shop and prepare all sorts of delicious meals. Pretty quickly you notice you and your love are the only ones eating them while the kids are foraging through the junk food cupboard for alternatives.
“Well, William is allergic to dairy and Bettany vomited a few years ago right after a Chinese food dinner, so she won’t eat that. Oh and both the kids have decided this year they won’t eat beef and Will thinks maybe he’s allergic to seafood, although I think it’s the sulfites, and Bettany refuses anything green. Will will eat them, but not if they’re cooked. And both are allergic to nuts of all kinds. And they don’t like anything spicy. And no salads.”
So what’s my advice?
On nights when the kids are in, let your wife do the cooking. Or the kids! Save your gourmet meals for those special evenings when the kids are with their other parent or at friends places. Eventually, you’ll get an idea of what the family usually eats and you’ll be able to augment with a few adults-only add-ons. DO NOT complain. Times are different now than they were when you were a kid, or when you were raising your kids, or whatever.
2. You’ll walk alone.
Do you imagine family outings where you walk holding hands with your love along the forest path while the kids run ahead? This is not going to happen.
First, your lesbian wife very likely won’t hold your hands, or even touch you, in public with the kids. Camping trips, hikes, picnics at the beach—she won’t want to expose the kids to negative public reactions, she won’t want them teased at school, or in any way made to feel uncomfortable about the fact that their mom is a lesbian and has a live-in lesbian girlfriend. Admittedly this is something that is on its way out, but for now, it’s reality.
Second, the kids want to be with their mom most of the time. She’ll have her arm around one and be holding the other’s hand. If there are more than two, there’ll be one on her shoulders and one in a back pack. This is the way of moms. Your lesbian mom won’t deny them—they are her kids and she loves them and if they want to cuddle of course they cuddle!
You will be walking behind them, talking to the dog. If there is a dog. Try to enjoy the beauty of the forest, and get used to walking alone—even when you’re with your new family.
So what’s my advice?
There are a few options. One would be to remind yourself that this is temporary—when the kids are grown you’ll have your wife all to yourself. Another is to run ahead—maybe one of the kids will break away and join you and you can have fun exploring the forest together.
3. Sex will become a bad word.
Of course, all adult words will become bad words, but that’s a given. Keep your language clean! As for intimate adult sex, here’s what happens:
Foreplay will be the first thing to disappear. For many women, "foreplay" is made up of sexy talk, touch, or gestures throughout the day. This cannot happen when there are children, especially teenagers, in the house. If you require this kind of foreplay in order to "get in the mood," you’re going to need to be creative.
She’ll be tired. Your new wife has a job and a houseful of kids, and now a partner. Even if you are the world’s best partner, she’s going to be emotionally tired and unavailable. This will strain things a lot more than you think. Plus, she’ll be always cognizant that her kids are in the house and might overhear something—and so will you! The wanton abandon you enjoyed in your early days, at YOUR house, are over.
Scheduling sex isn’t that easy. You might be sharing her kids with another parent. You think this will give you time to be together when the kids aren’t around. And have sex! But be prepared—first, your wife, the mom, will experience a day or two of sadness, missing her kids. She won’t be thinking sex. When you do get to doing the deed, you’ll have a few weeks of disconnection to overcome. It might take a few days for the old verve to come forward. Don’t give up!
There’ll be interruptions. I remember one morning after a shower my love laid me out on the bed in the sunshine and was, well, being very nice when the phone rang. One of her kids needed to be picked up from a sleepover early—in fact, now. “Now?!” I asked trying not to sound like someone begging. “Yes, so so sorry,” and off she went.
Kid pick ups, drop offs, sleepovers, birthday parties, their other parent’s schedules, and their other parent’s partners schedules will all have an affect on your plans. Always.
So what’s my advice?
Don’t plan ahead for sex. You’ll be disappointed and this will make you grumpy which will put your wife off further and you definitely will not have sex.
Indulge in secret foreplay. Text messages, snapchats, letters under the pillow. These might help.
Be your own best lover. Of course you can please yourself! But a word of warning. You think maybe there’s a chance for sex tonight so you hold off personal pleasure because you want to share with your lover, but then plans change, there are interruptions, or your lover comes home sad and missing her kids—and you are left trying to fall asleep with your body vibrating. Remember the part about "planning ahead" for sex? Just don’t do it.
There’s wine. Have a bottle of wine on hand for those times—it’s a great physical deadener.
3. Prepare for domestication.
You’re about to become a family pet. During the hours when kids fill your home, there will be lots of fun family play, nicknames, blankets, special dishes, and petting. This is because your lesbian girlfriend is in mom mode. Mom mode is not sexy. Mom mode wears sloppies and cradles dogs and watches endless reruns of The Simpsons. Mom mode shares the couch with all the kids and all the pets. Mom mode is all about mega-affection. If you ask her to stop petting your head, you risk upsetting your mom-mode gf —“I was just being affectionate!” She’ll say. Or before sleep, expect to hear “Good night <insert name of daughter or pet here>.” Mom-mode helps to explain why sex disappears. Moms don’t have sex. Girlfriends, lovers, amazing sexy women have sex. Moms feed, pet, and cuddle. Your mom-mode girlfriend will feed, stroke, and cuddle you in the same way as she does her kids and her pets.
And the vivid exciting conversations and discussions you use to share? These will change as well. The day will come when you’ll be sharing a meal or chatting in the car and realize that for the past 40 minutes the talk has all been about how the dog lies on its back with its feet in the air. Or how the cat likes to be patted on its bottom. Or how the dog doesn’t like walking on wet grass. Or how the cat likes to put its nose on your face.
So what’s my advice?
My wife and I agreed to take 15 minutes a day for an adults-only time. In our house, this has to happen on our bed, but some of you might be able to be alone in a den or on the patio. Adults only! Fifteen minutes doesn’t sound like a lot, but in a full day of kids and parenting, it can be a bit of an oasis. A time to say "How was your day honey?" A time when you can swear, or talk about adult subjects, or just remember each other.
4. You’ll Miss Her
There will be times when it seems like you and your beautiful wife haven’t connected in forever. You might even start to wonder if there is anything left in your relationship. Has she fallen out of love with you? Is she really that distracted or has she lost interest in what you’re doing and what you might have to say or in spending time with you?
I can’t predict your relationship of course. But my experience tells me that YES, she still loves you and feels everything she always did feel for you. She’s just got kids.
5. A Final Piece of Advice—Get Out!
Make sure you and your sexy wife go out on the town at least once a week. It will be a breath of fresh air to see her surrounded by other beautiful lesbians and you’ll be reminded of how amazingly beautiful she is and why you are so in love with her.
If any of these truths sound difficult for you, do not move in. Keep your little love chalet for sexy getaways and wait until your lover’s kids are grown and out of the house.
Jude Goodwin is a queer writer and poet living in Vancouver BC. She’s also the editor and publisher of What’s On Queer BC. You can read more of Jude’s work on her substack at judegoodwin.com
This article was written in 2017.
