Being Queer on Valentine's Day
by Emory Oakley
Valentine's day is a consumer ‘holiday’ that we’re bombarded with starting in the middle of January whether you like it or not. Not only are red, white and pink treats and branded presents at almost every store but we are shown images of happy couples in advertisements everywhere.
This is challenging for those who are single around Valentine’s day but it can also be challenging for those who identify somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Valentine’s day isn’t designed for queer couples.
For many folks who identify as queer Valentine’s Day is a reminder that their identity isn’t represented which can make them feel invisible or unimportant. It does this by reinforcing the idea that ‘ideal’ and happy relationships are heterosexual, monogamous, sexual and romantic. And really anyone who doesn’t fit into that ideal feels as though they’re failing somehow.
Think about the things we are surrounded with this time of year. Jewelry commercials are almost always depicting cisgender heterosexual couples and upholding the traditional gender norm of ‘the man’ giving a beautiful and expensive gift to his female partner. We see the same ideas reflected in the products; such as “His & Hers” monogrammed items and cards specifically address to husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. And if/when we attempt to participate in Valentine’s Day we are likely to be met by heternormative assumptions. For example, “oh your boyfriend will love this” when purchasing a gift. Or having a server at a restaurant assuming your gender or relationship status.
Yes, queer respresentation and queer focused products do exist and this continues to improve but the ones that are available are not easily accessible. And the images we are bombarded with are of straightness.
Though being queer does not mean we have to reject Valentine’s day as a whole. We deserve to be able to celebrate our love no matter what it looks like. Many of us in the queer community are already good at subverting the norms, reclaiming and celebrating all types of love.
So, how can you celebrate Valentine’s Day as a queer person?
Have a movie night in with your loved one(s) or your close friends.
Valentine’s day does not have to be about romantic love, so spend the day with people that you care about and find some great queer focused films to watch together. Consider this list as a great starting point.
Buy (or make) a queer friendly Valentines Day card.
It’s less likely that you’re going to walk into a Hallmark store and find a card that represents your identity so start thinking about it early. Give yourself to find some cool cards online (Etsy is a great place to start) or consider making your own.
Support queer businesses.
You can find a good list in our Resources Shops and Services area as well as our Local Rainbow in the Rainbow Store.
Go out with a group of queer couples (or as singles) to increase your visbility.
Make a Valentine’s Donation
Consider making a Valentines donation to a LGBTQ+ organization rather than buying presents. If you’re in Vancouver consider one of the following options:
Catherine White Holman Centre
Volunteer-run centre provides wellness for transgender and gender-non-conforming people
PFLAG
Provides support for family and friends of LGBT
Community-Based Research Centre (for Gay Men's Health)
Promotes the health of gay men through research and intervention development
Dancing to Eagle Spirit Society
This aboriginal organization seeks to empower two-spirited people and to educate the public about indigenous practices and culture
Rainbow Refugee
This organization provides support, education, sponsorship, and advocacy for LGBT refugees.
Qmunity
What’s On Queer BC - help keep this community resource going!
Remember that Valentine’s Day is just another day and regardless of how you feel about it, your relationship status, or your sexual or gender identity you are valid and you will get through the day. Try to surround yourself with positive representations of queerness and queer love and remind yourself that love doesn’t have to look the way it’s advertised to you. Keep doing you!
For those who don’t identify as LGBTQ+ but also don’t love the way relationships are represented during Valentine’s Day or simply want to support your queer friends during this time of year what can you do?
How to be a queer ally during Valentine’s Day
Don’t assume someone has plans for Valentine’s Day. Meaning, don’t ask what their plans are unless you explicitly know they plan to celebrate it.
This not only helps to support queer folks who don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day but also those who are single and don’t want to be reminded they don’t have plans (or at least not traditional plans).
Don’t assume the gender of someone’s partner.
Really you should never assume someone’s gender
Don’t make assumptions about or judge how someone chooses to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
